I took the red-eye to New York last night, I slept most of the day and now it's almost morning and I am so awake it hurts. I don't think I should be blogging this late in the night, I always do the dumbest thing late at night like email people I don't really want to talk with.
What do I even want to be writing?
I don't know.
Well, about this time last night I was on the airplane, everyone around me was asleep and I am watching some zombie movie on the back of the seat in front of me, of course I scream when one of the rabid zombies jumps out into the screen, I don't know how loud I screamed but just about everyone in my view jumped out from their slumber, I tried to play cute, shrugged my shoulders, blushed and said my apologies but no one would have it, I was given some of the ugliest crusties known to man, along with "geeshes" and "goshed". It makes me sad that I can't pull off the cute little girl thing anymore.
New York. I can't decide if I really even like the city. I like the smell of nature too much to really trade it for cement and cigaret smoke, I have too much of my farm-raised mom in me to be a true city girl.
I am here to try something new, to put myself out here, to be rejected and ignored. I am also here to grow. What a sad life to live to think you are done growing and be content with being content. I feel hypocritical saying what I just said cause earlier tonight I was watching Wall-e and found myself coveting the lives of the fat-slob humans, being driven around in chairs and having their butts wiped by a machine. They just ate. Everyone ate, everyone was fat so it was okay to just eat... anyway, for a few moments I was wanting the ship to just stay in space because it was so easy, and if they went back to earth they were going to have to work really hard to get things functioning again.
Something for me to remember... It's gonna feel like crap being rejected and turned away by these people, it will be hard work, I will be embarrassed at time and have to pretend like my feelings were never hurt. But it's okay because there will be something to come of it al. I know this because from the darkest places in my life came the greatest joys.
I should go now.