I don't have photoshop, I tried to fix some colors in preview and they went nuts.  I will have access to a real computer soon.

Today we took photos.  Thanks Jendar, Carrie and Erik for braving the weather with me.  It means a lot to have your support.

Thanks Jendar

Thanks Erik

I thought this was fun.  

Better things to come.

Apology

I just read through old posts.  I found multiple spelling errors, I promise I can kinda spell, I guess I just write and sometimes I repeat words multiple multiple times, sometimes I spell waste when I mean waist, sometimes I am way off.  I will apologize to the critics and blame it on my sweet brain for making socially acceptable attributes second priority in my daily tasks. 

oh well. 

Fashion blogs...

beh...

no offense...

Can I be a nomad?  Storage my things and just go?

It's late and I am blogging again.  I can't sleep.  

Let The Right One In...

Wow.  

I was bummed when I found out about this movie and that it had already been through the theaters.  I was ecstatic when I found it hanging on by a limb in it's last theater in soho.  I know it is super hip to like vampires right now with the whole Twilight thing (I'm not trashin', I read them all in 24 hours) but this was the movie that should have gotten the attention Twilight did.  Well, let me take that back, I wouldn't recommend it for young viewers or the squeemish(sp?), there is a little blood.  

It is a down right beautiful film. The cinematography was breathtaking, the acting was spot on which doesn't happen very often with child actors and the story was simple.  I liked it.  I guess it comes out on DVD on March 10th if you want to check it out. 

By the way I am always looking for good movies that flew under the radar, if any of you know of some that I might like let me know.  I really do like film.

Yummy

It's really sad but this is what I had for dinner.  

I have had cupcakes on the brain for a while and after the last cupcake I bought which tasted like 6 day old cornbread with cold old butter on top posing as frosting I had to do it right the this time.

We went to Billys,  I have to say it is exactly what a bakery should be.  Adorable.... everything.  I was planning on only getting just 1 cupcake, vanilla on vanilla but when I saw all the flavors, colors, pies and cookies I had to taste a little of everything.  My belly is now full on Billys and I have some leftovers for when I need a little somethin' tomorrow.  

I am missing max.  Here I only have one pillow at night and it's used for my head, at home I have at least 5 pillows surrounding me at night so every which way I turn or toss there is something soft for me to hug.  I'm having trouble sleeping.

I am about to walk to Central Park and practice taking photos.  It's going to rain soon so I should hurry.  But let me vent first... Once again, I was running around the internet and peeking into photographers sites, It was inspiring and discouraging at the same time.  I want more for myself, I want to be shoot and not worry if it will make me money for a hamburger the next day (blast you reality!)  Some people get to shoot for themselves. 

Last night I dreamt I went running with no shoes, The dream began with me walking home from my old high school with some old friends.  I decided to take my shoes off and continue home on my own while the two other girls stopped to play checkers on a dome shaped chalkboard that sat in an old mans front yard (?).  I had no shoes and the sidewalk was torn up, my feet bled and cut then I wanted to run so I did.  I passed the the gas station and thought about getting sour candy (my staple even in my dreams) but I had no shoes on, I couldn't go in.  When I got to my mothers house my dog althea was alive (she died this past fall), she is always alive when I dream, the neighbors where outside, we were all cleaning our homes, there was mention of pink cupcakes, I had no shoes and we spoke of the depression we are in. 

Hu.

Well.  I should go.  I am excited.  

Today I got a glimpse of what heaven will be like.

I'm lucky that I am not 400 lbs overweight, I like food a lot, but I like good food.  For lunch I went to this place called Slice, it's on 2nd Ave between 73 & 74.  It's an all organic pizza place that serves some pretty good eats.

Thin slice of honey whole wheat smothered in chicken masala and topped with melted organic mozzarella cheese and garnished with chopped parsley.  

I am thinking about going back for dinner. 

Sin

My image on MSN's homepage with an article about sin... 

The mart around the corner

2% Milk

Tropicana Orange juice 

Ice-cream pint (almost worth the moneys spent)

Baby carrots

1 Orange

2 Nectarines 

= $29.18

No joke.

cutest.  church drawing with the kiddies a few months back

I am in no way an illustrator but I do love to draw.  For Christmas I was planning on making little illustrated books for my nephews and niece with  them as the characters in the book.  I sketched a few things but unfortunately I never got around to actually doing it.  I don't know that I ever will so I am just going to throw these on here so they don't rot in my sketch book.

You are what you eat.

T and I went out for a nice dinner the other night with Papa JP.  It was one of the better meals I have had.  T ordered some sort of monster fish thing that scared me half to death so I made him turn the dish around before I could eat my food... You see, I don't eat animal meat. I eat hotdogs, I eat hamburgers and have pepperoni on my pizza, I eat chicken nuggets and tuna samiches but the difference between me and you is my "meat" comes from a plant rather than animal... At least this is what I tell myself.

After that dinner I went home and drew these in my journal.  I thought they were funny so I will share them.  Please excuse the quality of these images, I don't have photoshop at the moment.

I make my friends famous

Kat and her family.  

Kat text me that she saw her fam on a western dental commercial.  Shot this in Hawaii, my boss' shoot.

Here is a screen cap of it.  

Today is Monday

Another good day.  Thanks to a friend I feel a bit better about things here. 

Around the corner from T's place is the most delightful paper store.  I love paper, I love to feel it, smell it and most of all look at it.  

Kate's Paperie... Overpriced? Yes.  But I needed to get some greeting cards for some friends back home.   Most of the cards are letterpress, so beautiful, what an art form.  sigh.

I found the greatest baby shower invites, they were designed to look like they were from the 50's,  muted colors and simple text.  I would have bought them if I was anywhere near to having a kid but if anyone want me to grab them for you lemme know, they were 50% off. 

My 3 Brothers

I want to just share my thoughts and admiration for my best friends.  I have three older brothers, I can't imagine my life being nearly as great without their love and influence.  I am on the phone with at least one of them daily.  They are the first I call with good news or bad news and I can count on them for anything.  

  Nei, the eldest of the three is the owl, he is wisdom and logic, J3 is humor and compassion and T is balance and strength.  I love you, I love you, I love you.

I feel so cheesebally writing this but it is the truth, I love my brothers and I am grateful beyond measure to have them as my family.

1:30 AM

Does admitting and accepting that you are socially awkward make you less awkward?  I sure hope so.  

I had a wonderful day.  Woke up, walked to the church, watched T baptize a beautiful girl.  Met with Carrie in a yum yum cafe and ate pumpkin waffles for lunch (I will say New York really does have the most amazing food)...mmmm.  Carrie and Erik came over, Carrie and I snuggled and napped on the couch, Erik and Travis played PS3.  I napped some more and met up with some girlies in Brooklyn at a hip bar where I felt very uncool while everyone around me was so cool and hip.  I ate tacos from a bus (delish), walked to Jen's place and watched 2 episodes of family guy.  I will admit Family Guy is one of my favorite show, it's crude and gross but it can make me laugh louder than anything else can. It was a good day. 

I'm back now.  Feet hurt.  Hungry again.  Always hungry.  

Well, I still feel like a directionless soul, I pray God will give me direction so I can plant my roots and get to work on living again.  Though being laid off really blew for a while I now have empathy and sympathy for all those who have lost their jobs,  this is something I wouldn't have been able to really understand.  I feel so blessed to have had a financial cushion, I can't imagine being one with a family to provide for. Keep those people in your prayers.  Let's hope that things will come back together sooner than later.  

I really miss maxie pad.  

Buying with my eyes

Being in New York and not having any money can be a little heart breaking when you are someone like me who thinks everything is so adorably delightful.  I decided that whenever I see something I would like to have I will just take a picture of it, it's almost as good as physically owning it, maybe even better because it doesn't take up space.  

I found this amazing journal, I swear it was made just for me, I feel like another me somewhere out there made it.  It is a journal with different topics to make lists to, on each page there is a little illustration to go with the topics.  Oh man, I don't know how many lists I have written, it is almost some sort of addiction for me to pick a topic and beat it to death with a list.  My favorite lists have been:

1. essences of the people I love.  This includes all the things I feel and remember about the person, it's a raw way to explore why you love someone and why they are so unique to you.  no censor no seconding why you write what you wrote... but be careful, you might find there are people you don't like as much as you thought.

 

Lets do one right now... I choose....Diana Browning.

Diana Browning : Best friend, diet coke and fresca, blankets and cuddling, can say anything to her and I mean anything, trust her with my darkest secrets, knitting, home, max's adopted mom, comfort, missing, smells warm (weird but it makes sense in my head),homemade gifts, brownie mix late at night, wiped my bum when I was too sick to do it myself, scars on her knees, burps just like me.

2. Lists of memories and moments after a fun weekend or a visit from someone so I don't forget the small but so amazing interactions.  Sometime it is just a word, but the word will later trigger a memory I had almost lost.

3. What makes me... Happy, bored, etc

I recommend lists.  I recommend noticing.  I recommend recording.

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.  Max chokes on a treat.

I promise max doesn't have rabbis.  He just likes treats and happens to make funny faces when I toss them into his mouth.  

This was in Tucson, hence the warm weather and green grass. 

Dear Deer

The night before I left i was in my office doing some work when I heard this loud crash outside my window.  I figured it was a car accident which is not an unusual thing to happen in front of my place.  I walked over to the window to see the damage and in my front yard there is this beautiful deer slowly walking across my yard.  She wasn't limping and I saw that as a good sign, maybe she wasn't hit, maybe she stepped in front of a car who then slammed it's breaks on causing the car behind them to hit bumpers, I wanted for that awful thump I heard to have been the metal from cars and not the body of that sweet deer.

Well, a bit later animal control knocked on my door, she was hit, she walked to the backyard, curled up under a tree and died.  I wanted to cry, my heart was sick.  I felt so horrible.  I feel horrible.  Poor deer... know you were loved.

It's 3:15 am

I took the red-eye to New York last night, I slept most of the day and now it's almost morning and I am so awake it hurts.  I don't think I should be blogging this late in the night, I always do the dumbest thing late at night like email people I don't really want to talk with.

What do I even want to be writing?

I don't know.

Well, about this time last night I was on the airplane,  everyone around me was asleep and I am watching some zombie movie on the back of the seat in front of me, of course I scream when one of the rabid zombies jumps out into the screen,  I don't know how loud I screamed but just about everyone in my view jumped out from their slumber, I tried to play cute, shrugged my shoulders, blushed and said my apologies but no one would have it, I was given some of the ugliest crusties known to man, along with "geeshes" and "goshed".  It makes me sad that I can't pull off the cute little girl thing anymore.  

New York. I can't decide if I really even like the city.  I like the smell of nature too much to really trade it for cement and cigaret smoke, I have too much of my farm-raised mom in me to be a true city girl.

I am here to try something new, to put myself out here, to be rejected and ignored.  I am also here to grow.  What a sad life to live to think you are done growing and be content with being content.  I feel hypocritical saying what I just said cause earlier tonight I was watching Wall-e and found myself coveting the lives of the fat-slob humans, being driven around in chairs and having their butts wiped by a machine.  They just ate.  Everyone ate, everyone was fat so it was okay to just eat... anyway, for a few moments I was wanting the ship to just stay in space because it was so easy, and if they went back to earth they were going to have to work really  hard to get things functioning again.  

Something for me to remember...  It's gonna feel like crap being rejected and turned away by these people, it will be hard work, I will be embarrassed at time and have to pretend like my feelings were never hurt.  But it's okay because there will be something to come of it al.  I know this because from the darkest places in my life came the greatest joys.  

yawn.

crickets.

I should go now.